a letter to you, reader.

From mom to mom, just a little coffee chat. With pics. How are you surviving the winter?

Where I'm at, where I've been and where I'm going.

Hello, dear reader. I’m coming at you from my driveway as I sit inside our idling car, heat on blast, stiff fingers slowly thawing out as I haphazardly try to form words with the keys, the three tiny car seats in the backseat are empty apart for the myriad of crumbs, books, toys and small pieces of trash scattered throughout, and my husband’s empty energy drink can¹ is still sitting in the cup holder next to my warm coffee in a to-go mug.²

My blessed husband is inside with our three boys, ages 6, 4 and 1. He got home at 8am this morning from a 4 day shift at the fire station. Otherwise simply referred to as “a 96.” His usual shifts are only 2 days at a time, so this felt like an eternity but somehow passed by so quickly. Thankfully he had a “good night” which means he actually slept. A rare blessing, especially the night before he comes home.

I usually leave the day he comes home as a buffer day, nothing set in stone, aiming for productive undertones but okay to put everything on the back burner for the sake of rest and recuperation (for all of us, mentally + physically). Wives and mothers, please know this didn’t always come naturally to me and took a lot of effort on my part to adjust to the lifestyle of a first responder family. If you’re newer at it, have grace. With yourself, your spouse and your children. When in doubt, put on some soft instrumental music and read a good book aloud to your family. 10/10 helps reset tension.

Why am I in the car in the driveway of my home? To put it simply, I cannot form sentences very well with children afoot. So I usually enjoy writing after they go to bed. Even in the day during nap/quiet time, the flow is often interrupted. Just the chance they may need something and my ear is still listening, is too much for my ADD to bear. I’ve accepted this affliction and rather than fight it, found ways to work around it.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31

I’m not bitter about this like I used to be, my children and home are my greatest joy and most important work. But I know that if I want to sit and try to form my thoughts into something worth reading, I need uninterrupted quiet.

My conundrum is this: At the end of the day, I often have to choose between writing or alone time with my husband.³ In seasons of higher stress, I write less. If you hadn’t noticed. I don’t like schedules and aim for more arbitrary goals, like once a week. Although when your husband’s work schedule is all over the place, I take time with him wherever I can get it. When he’s gone to work and I’m alone at night, I’m often too exhausted and mentally tapped out from days of solo parenting. Writing takes mental energy, and at this point in life, I’m not willing to sacrifice my sacred sleep for it. Insomnia steals enough from me.

However, there are sometimes beautiful resolutions and perfect storms, like today. After four days of little to no adult contact, my brain is bursting with words and conversation, my husband (thankfully) is actually rested, the boys crave time with dada, and mama craves a moment of silence.

So, the answer to this is: Mama gets to go sit in silence and type some words, the boys have quality dada time, and tonight I get to give my husband my whole attention as we just sit in silence together, reflecting on the gratitude for the life we’ve been given.

Okay, and we’ll probably play a card game like cribbage. And we’ve been rewatching The Chosen, in preparation for the new season. And snacks. Always snacks. Truly, every night is “date night” in our cozy cave together. It’s a lifestyle we’ve fought for, yet also been blessed to attain naturally through our deep friendship.

As a one vehicle household, thankfully on the dreary and frigid winter days, being cooped up inside a cozy house wiht no way to leave feels like a huge blessing. I’ve taken advantage of my fifth “real” winter⁴ here in snowy Texas, and picked up crocheting. And baking. And board games, lots of board games. And candles. And blankets. And movies. And books! Piles and piles of books. In other words, all my energy is spent romanticizing our home during the winter time to avoid the inevitable seasonal depression that hits me like a ton of bricks, usually right about now.⁵

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
John 16:33

In this moment of silence I’m also am able to gather my thoughts and catch up on messages and emails I’ve not had a chance to respond to. “Thank you” texts and the rescheduling of play dates and appointments from the flu that hit our house hard and without mercy for two solid weeks in a row.

When it rains it pours, right friends? That seems to be the motto of life sometimes. Well, it is for me.

43 “When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. 44 Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. 45 Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first. So also will it be with this evil generation.”
Matthew 12:44-45

So much of life’s tragedies and afflictions seem to just pile on all at once, one after another. And just when you have a moment to breathe, something else crashes in and changes everything. Such is the way of life, living in a fallen world.

We are allowed to acknowledge the existence of the Enemy’s presence in our life, (after all he is a believer too) without obsessing over it and falling into the literal pit of self pity. To be soberly aware both of attacks on our life and direction from the Spirit is a gift.

Thankfully, we hold the key to Hope. I could say so much about how life is so much more than simply keeping our heads above water, but that’s for another day.

No is an answer from God too. Not everything working against you in your life is an attack, btw.

Which leads me into my next thought. I initially sat down to write this letter to you:

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”when people are (sin)ical.

"Those who do not think about their own sins make up for it by thinking incessantly about the sins of others." - CS Lewis”

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So know that one will be coming. As will this one:

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“not every opposition in your life is from the Enemy...

When things are going our way, it's God's will. When they aren't, it's a spiritual attack and we have to stand firm. Said the ill-informed, lukewarm Christian.”

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On another silent moment day. Hopefully sometime soon. As always, I pray when writing on sensitive topics, the Spirit would lead my words and be truly helpful or insightful to someone reading.

A few more life joys to share with you, in light of the heaviness that also exists:

• Our 6 year old is flying through chapter books. He has a book in his hands every chance he gets, and often comes to me in tears over the ending. He is a deep, feeling soul and has such a big, empathetic heart for emotions of any kind. Wonder where he gets it????? I got him this sweet Book Review book to document and reflect on his reading. It’s been so much fun to fill out with him!

• Our eight backyard chickens are laying eggs in abundance, despite the freezing rain and 30 degree temperatures. Do they know that we’re having a national egg shortage and decided to be generous or is spring really around the corner? They’re smart girls, after all.

• Our 4 year old is reading Bob Books fluently. He has always yearned to “do school” and I’ve kept him reined in as long as I could, for the sake of his own still-developing mind. He figured out how to read on his own. He is a quiet, stoic, observant, problem solver that wants to do things independently. So, our little leftie sits happily writing in his level 1 Explode the Code and working addition problems in his kindergarten math workbook. His personality reminds me so much of my own, it’s both healing and humbling to be able to honor and shape his God-given qualities. I pray his will-power to “do good” can be used for the glory of God.

• Our 16 month old is saying the sweetest little words in the sweetest little voice, running circles around his brothers (often screaming) and is definitely the most rambunctious of all three. Our Forrest Brooks gives me a run for my money most days — he is teaching his mama so much. The way he puts his gentle, tiny, sticky hand on your cheek for just a second, immediately melts away the day’s frustrations — and one of the reasons I yearn to have a million babies forever and ever. Thus, I’ve come to accept he is likely our last biological child due to medical reasons, so I can savor these moments in my heart forever.

• I’m finishing up this crochet project I started two months ago, as requested from our oldest boy. A “space blanket.” Some are patterns I loosely followed, some I made up as I went. I’m not sure how I’ll piece it together yet but that is the beauty of crochet. Once you understand the basics, you can create anything.

• My husband and I have been reading through Romans alongside a RC Sproul commentary which has been challenging, rewarding and wonderful! I definitely didn’t expect God to move in the ways He has, with this simple practice.

• I’ve had so much fun surprising my family with little crocheted treasures. I just ordered the softest, sweetest pink yarn for a blanket I’m stitching for our new baby niece.

• After I finish The Space Blanket, the next big project will be a “frontiersman/cowboy/indian” type granny square blanket in similar style for our middle son. He is obsessed with Davy Crocket, Daniel Boone, Pa from Little House, Robin Hood, and of the like. So imagine nature/deer/smoking pipes/weapons, etc. I am pretty excited/scared.

• My husband being the loving/devoted father he is, singing on the worship team at church and leading a Bible study with firefighters he works with has been incredibly fulfilling to my heart. Watching him step into the person God made him to be, agh. Our life together has been a huge leap from the handsome guy I fell in love with while working at Petco nearly thirteen years ago. God has redeemed so much. If anything, our lives are the only reminder I need of His immense faithfulness. Distraught disaster and grief turned into hope. We can face anything now.

• My dad is coming to visit next week!!! To say the boys are elated is an understatement. I think the love their Papaw more than me. (almost) Why did nobody tell me watching your serious dad turn into a mushy Papaw would be one of life’s biggest gifts??

  

  I just really wanted to pop in and give you a glimpse of life these days. I may not be writing as much as I desire, but one day I will. And I wont regret carving special time for it here and there when I can, while prioritizing the eternal souls in my home. Have grace, this looks different for everyone, dear mother writer. You think you know your own capacity, but better yet, your Heavenly Father does.

Alright, well, I’ve been out here for over an hour typing this letter to you all. I’m beginning to miss them. My fingers are warmed up now, but my toes are a bit chilly despite my wool socks and slippers. Our car’s air system is messed up and doesn’t blow at our feet for some reason. But hey, my coffee is still warm! IYKYK.

And hey, if anyone wants to try crocheting, in the words of Shia LaBeouf, JUST DO IT. Search one of the millions of beginner tutorial videos on Youtube, get a crochet hook (a good one, I believe with what they call a tulip tip, like this one) And a skein of plain ole acrylic yarn in a nice color, and start. You’ll have moments you want to scream and rage quit. It’ll pass, I promise.

You can now visualize that I’m slowly turning and walking away from you, going back to my car as we mutter our last goodbyes, like we moms do. “Okay, you too! Yes, me too! Oh, did you ever do that thing? Okay cool! Bye! Love you! *waves again* Hey, see you Wednesday?? Okay us too! See you then! Love you too, bye!!!”

Thanks so much for being here dear friends. Have a blessed week and may the Lord cover you in His mercies. Remember, His love for you is not fragile or fleeting.

To God be all the glory.

Ash

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

^^^ PS Isn’t it sad how our American Christian culture has marketed these popular pieces of scripture onto keychains, t shirts, etc, to the point we’ve all seen and heard them a million times to the point we forget their meaning? And when someone quotes it or shares it with us, our minds automatically pass it by like “yep heard that before, moving on” rather than really sitting and resonating with it?
I myself have taken the time lately to read these ever popular Bible verses that are turned into cheesy Hobby Lobby decor, as brand new to my eyes. And how the Lord speaks through His Word. Don’t become hardened to His truths, friends. Read it and feel it. He is there.

1. Firefighters. Am I right? He has a love/hate relationship with caffeine. It just comes with the territory at some point.

2. Mom hack — Pour your morning coffee in an insulated to-go mug. Don’t leave the house. Sip warm coffee for 8 hours straight while you wrangle your children all day.

3. Not that kind, get your head out of the gutter. There’s always time for that kind!!

4. Florida native, relocated to the TX/OK border, aka a place with actual seasons

5. Can confirm. We out here, praising Jesus through the storms that ail my mind.