unforgiveness rots the bones.

"I’m not saying your story doesn’t matter, it does. But it’s not applicable everywhere. It’s not the focus of your life. It is no longer your identity."

but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
— Romans 5:8

As a fellow sufferer, I’ve read countless posts and stories of the various grievances that is the human experience. Betrayal, heartbreak, death, jealousy, pride, mental illness, you name it. We’ve all had a brush with grief at some point or another, and if you haven’t yet, you will.

The sooner we can come to understand that suffering is part of the Christian life, the sooner we can get a grip on the reality of moving through life without our wounds tearing us down along the way.

This isn’t going to be a fluffy feel-good post, but it’s not going to be just doom and gloom either. Promise.

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven — for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” Luke 7:47

It can be a hard topic to navigate and try to comprehend, processing grief as a Christian. As a blunt, type A problem solver myself, I’ve wanted to seek immediate answers and clarity for many of the heartaches in my own life. However, the deeper we dig into our hearts of sin, the deeper we can fall away. Unforgiveness can take root quickly and it is a beast that continues to wreak havoc. The Bible warns us of this.

Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; — Hebrews 12:14-15

The answers we seek cannot be found in conversations, books, podcasts, or doctors offices. Not that those may not offer helpful insight, but they can also unnecessarily prolong your suffering. Why? Every single one of them is focused on SELF. We must pursue knowledge with wisdom, and both of these things only come from God.

For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
— Proverbs 2:6

As sinful creatures made new in Christ, we will still always seek to gratify our flesh first. It is our knee jerk reaction especially when in pain, physically or mentally. Struggling with sin doesn’t mean you aren’t a Christian, it means you’re a human. How you respond to the prompting of your flesh is what speaks to your character and depth of faith.

Our actions demonstrate our faith and the extent to which we understand God’s grace in our lives. When we realize how unworthy we are, yet Christ chose to die for us, we can pour out that love onto others. This is the Christian walk.

What we so often fail to recognize is this — when we focus our attention on “why is this happening to ME” or “what did I do to deserve THIS” or “why do they get away with it while I am left to pick up the pieces?” we completely miss the point.

The Lord didn’t say “Work through your grief, process it with as much time as you need, and THEN forgive them.” He said:

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

It was this verse, the first one I’d ever memorized, that got me through some of the darkest times in my life, in my marriage, and in navigating hurtful relationships during early adulthood and currently.

Christians often claim “church hurt” when their mentors or biblical counselors seemingly disregard whatever the issue is, just to advise them to forgive as Christ forgave. Of course while there is a level of tenderness and care required in Christian counseling, there is also a level of (sometimes brutal) honesty.

If we can’t be honest with ourselves and our pride, we cannot receive truth in love.

If you have these types of bold leaders in your church, willing to share the truth without strings — be thankful. Swallow their words with a grain of salt, pray together and alone, and allow the Holy Spirit to work on your heart. Hardening your heart against the truth of scripture will only prolong whatever it is you’re going through.

Jesus didn’t dance around the truth. He didn’t coddle emotions or pander to the feelings of the people. He shared the TRUTH. The only truth that matters. And He didn’t leave us there to figure it out on our own, either. You have the Holy Spirit living within you! (more on this in a second)

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19

Do not give Satan a foothold on your life, friends. The mind is his playground. Unforgiveness is a doorway for him to whisper more lies. I speak from a place of experience and authority in illness and attacks of the mind, as someone who has walked through this particular darkness of many types.

I stubbornly wallowed and wasted many months and years, trying to find answers outside of God for the pain. Like a loving Father, He allows us consequences for our disobedience. But He also offers immense relief and comfort. That is why I am so passionate on this topic.

³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. — Romans 5:3-5

Peter didn’t go around preaching about his former life as a fisherman. Matthew didn’t go on and on about his former life as a tax man. Over and over again, God uses the unusable to reach the unreachable. If you think you’re too far gone for God’s grace, you’re utterly and incredibly wrong.

We are not to embrace what we used to be.

Christians, the pain you feel is real. Your rollercoaster emotions do not make you broken. I’m not saying your story doesn’t matter, it does. But it’s not applicable everywhere. It’s not the focus of your life. It is no longer your identity. We don’t have to repeatedly say “Look what he has done!” while airing our former grievances like a title. Rather, we can simply display Him in who He has made us to be today. Those who we need to share our story with, will hear it. When it’s meant to be spoken.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. — 2 Corinthians 5:17

The Lord made you wonderfully, He knows every hair on your head. You are loved and cherished by the King of the Universe that calls you His. Let that fact alone empower you in your deepest suffering. You are never forgotten, no matter how much the enemy has tried to convince you in your isolation.

We are to forgive to the same degree in which we have been forgiven. In case you weren’t aware, it is infinite and unreachable. Does that mean we should not even try? Hardly! It is by His grace alone that we are equipped, dear friends!

For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything. Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs. — 2 Corinthians 2:9-11

We must be cognizant of Satans designs on us. This acute awareness can offer the clarity we seek. For our battle is not against flesh and blood. There is an enemy that never sleeps, that spends his days prowling and seeking to devour any that will bend him their ear. The doubts, fears, and ungodly thoughts leaking into your mind? Not from God.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. ¹¹ Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. ¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:10-12

We have a responsibility here, friends. We must NOT allow the enemy to seep into our minds. And when he attempts it (which he will, relentlessly), we are to stand firm in the faith. Our salvation is a free gift from God, but it is our obedience to the faith that grows us in our sanctification through the Holy Spirit that works in us.

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. ⁵ We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ — 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

I challenge you to read these verses over and over. Allow them to sink into your heart. Memorize it. This will change your walk, undoubtedly.

How are we to be obedient when our flesh is fighting against us in every way possible?

• Pray. He is listening. When you don’t know what to say, just “Thank you Jesus” or “Jesus is King” is enough to make the enemy flee.

• Memorize scripture. THIS is the only piece of the armor of God that is meant for offense — the “Sword of the Spirit,” the Word of God. (Ephesians 6:17) THIS is how we fight the enemies attacks on the mind. It is as simple as reciting a verse repeatedly.

• Drown your entire home in worship music, constantly. Invite His presence into your home. Rest in His presence. He is with you, covering you and your family, no matter what’s going on in the outside world. Praising the Lord in song lifts the lowly spirit.

• Share your grievances with a trusted friend or mentor, ask them to pray for and with you. Prayer is our weapon! (Matthew 18:20)

that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, to reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of God ‘s mystery, which is Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. — Colossians 2:2-3

Be encouraged! As believers in Christ, the same power that rose Jesus from the grave, lives in us. It is because of His perfect blood shed on the cross, that we can forgive the unforgivable. We can endure pain unimaginable. We can face suffering with a stature of hope, and even joy. Knowing none of it is in vain.

We suffer well, because He did. We accept truth not to wallow or solve our problems, but to rest in the freedom that is Christ. His ways are a mystery and many are not meant to be understood.

² Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. ³ For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.

⁵ Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. ⁶ Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience, ⁷ in which you yourselves once walked when you lived in them. — Colossians 3:2-6

We are not called to be part of this world. When we try to live that way, we’ll only get hurt. Every time. Like dogs returning to their vomit, why would we put back on the rags we’ve been delivered from? He has clothed us in His righteousness and calls us His children.

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
—Isaiah 61:10

Do our actions reflect the forgiveness we’ve received? Though our minds may wage war against us, it is our constant prayer and obedience to seek His truth that will calm our hearts and show to others our good works in Christ.

Our good works are therefore not part of earning salvation, but rather an outward display of the faith that has been established and growing within our hearts.

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
—Romans 6:23

May we walk in His light as believers that are loved, encouraged, free, and forgiven. And may all those around us witness our faith without words, not to boast but to point only to the Lord. May we find comfort that the pain inflicted on our hearts both in secret and publicly are known by our Lord, the keeper of justice.

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh,
but envy makes the bones rot.
Proverbs 14:30

We have no need to explain ourselves repeatedly or share our stories of former iniquities in which we once walked — but rather, only to equip other believers in the truth of the gospel, obedient to the Holy Spirit at work in us. May we point to Him in all things, choosing our words carefully, that He may use them to reach the unreachable.

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
— Psalm 16:11

I am in this with you, doing it imperfectly right alongside you. He is carrying us.

May He be glorified,

Ashley

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”
Romans 12:12